To All Fellow Americans

Hey, guys! I'm still here!

Do you ever think about doing something over and over again, to the point that it feels like you've actually done it, but really you're just playing the fool?

This draft has been sitting untouched for months, and between my struggle with time management, tiredness from the go-go-go nature of life, and the hesitation to publicize political thoughts, this post has had a gestational period that rivals that of a human baby. So, let's finally give it legs!

I'm not sure if I had a unique high school experience or not. I grew up in South Florida, a hodge-podge of every ethnicity, language, hobby club, race, religion, everything that I could have imagined at that age. My parents were Republicans. I always had an affinity for, and eventually registered with, the Democrat Party. I had friends with very different beliefs than me, and some friends who I would later see as enemies. But I could have a conversation with anyone. Even those people with whom I disagreed, I would hear them out and could have an honest discussion about opinions and beliefs. And even if we ultimately disagreed or didn't understand each other, we would accept our differences and move on. It didn't mean that it was possible to be friends with everyone, of course, but we were able to act civilly with each other. And of course, it wasn't like that with everyone around the school. There were inevitable chants of "Fight! Fight!" between students seated at tables of clashing lifestyles or ethnicities. But even when I found myself at rock-bottom of disagreeing with someone else, I at least had confidence in my ability to be civil and kind.

Was it like that with you, too?

Driver's License and...Facebook License?

I learned to drive in South Florida. If you haven't ever driven in South Florida, you've really missed out on a special sort of aggression and insanity. I remember some advice I learned around the time I learned to drive: Remember that there is a person inside the car. It's easy to forget that and to personify a car, to road rage against a machine. Even when someone pulls a crazy stunt on the road, keep your cool and your patience. It's easier to take your anger out on a machine than to try to understand the circumstance of whoever is inside.

I'm certainly not perfect, and sometimes my patience would wane. I think that was one of the first times I felt myself disassociate from people and give into frustration.

I skipped the MySpace phase because the concept was kinda creepy to teenage Michelle (I didn't like the idea of opening my life and privacy to everyone everywhere), and I went right into the Facebook phase of social media in 2007 (<sarcasm>because there are no privacy concerns with FB, right? </sarcasm>). Facebook in those days was simple. (Truly. Remember when our status was already prefilled for us? "Michelle is ______.") We posted photos, added new friends, Vaguebooked some thoughts, and eventually began meme-ing and, well, I remember how every election season on Facebook felt a little more fiery and stressful. Though, it's certainly a new fire now.

I'm sure people have been debating and arguing with each other face-lessly since the invention of cave art. I'm going to skip all the major calamities and pitfalls of Facebook for now and focus solely on the traps we've set for ourselves through one thing we're all guilty of in one form or another: bad communication.

"What?! No way! I'm a great communicator. I'm always honest and open about my opinions."

That's wonderful! You're honest with yourself, and that's a great foundation for being a great communicator.

But when is the last time you listened?

Don't worry. I'm asking myself this question, too. I'm guilty, as well.

I'm not asking, "When is the last time you heard something you disagreed with?" Given that we're in the middle of an election, I'm 100% sure your answer is "today"!

I mean "active listening." Does that term give you flashbacks to school or couples counseling?

I mean actively listening to someone else's opinion, openly receiving their information, releasing any preconceived motions AND especially any defensive, contrary opinions of your own.

High school me would be so disappointed to hear that I struggle with this now.

Your Digital Bumper Sticker

Let's do a quick activity! Have you ever heard any of these things?

• Social media creates an echo chamber.

• If you don't agree with me, then just un-friend me.

• If you ______, I don't want you in my life.

If so, how did that make you feel?

Have you personally said any of those things? How did you feel during and afterward?

I've certainly seen these types of posts, and whereas I've found myself agreeing with them, especially with the particularly inflammatory ones. ("If you're a racist/sexist/serial killer, I don't want you in my life." Who would disagree with that?)

However, I've come to think of these posts as the social media version of road rage. It's a proper way of displaying lost patience. It symbolizes that we've disassociated the machine (social media) from the person. It's become a very clever, successful divider between us and any friend, family member, or acquaintance in our lives.

Don't get me wrong; I'm all about cutting ties with people who don't spark joy in your life. If someone is toxic, harmful, abusive, or any manner of not-happy-making, then make like Elsa and let them go.

Though, what I've noticed is that it's so easy to curate a one-dimensional version of ourselves on social media. It's visceral and aaalll over the spectrum. It's our brand. "I have the perfect relationship." "I'm a world traveler." "I'm a progressive activist." "I'm a Flat Earther." We channel our emotions into our social media posts, re-posts, and photos. We project our emotions. We can get strong emotional responses from others' posts, re-posts, and photos.

When did a post last spark joy in you? Sadness? Jealousy or envy? Anger? Laughter?

Social media has become our digital bumper sticker.

Sometimes when I drive, if I'm behind a person with a bumper sticker, it might incite an emotion in me. I may feel an irrational anger at that person or perhaps an affinity, like we could be friends.

Social media has become pretty similar.

We see the vehicle, but not the person. With social media, we don't even really have to talk to each other anymore. It's not a necessity, though I would strongly argue it's an obligation we all have! (No, we don't have to talk to every person we've "friended", but what about the important people in your life? What about those very American conversations we have with random strangers, when we get to know each other as humans?)

We don't have a necessity to talk to anyone. We don't have the opportunity to naturally, conversationally find a person with whom we disagree. (Now, I may scroll through the posts of a potential new "friend" and choose if I want them on my own News Feed or not, solely based on their published [emotion-ridden] opinions.)

There's not necessarily anything wrong with that, but I'd just like to pinpoint that as the cause of any current cynicism, bad communication, bad listening, close-mindedness, and inability to have an open, insightful conversation with a fellow human being.

Incite Vs. Insight

In person, we have to navigate the conversation. We get a few dialogue options:

Do you choose to:

• Agree

• Disagree

• Agree to disagree

• Quit the conversation

• FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

• Civilly share your own opinion

One of the things that has been shockingly evident to me this 2020 Election is that half of you agree with me politically and half of you do not. (And that's totally OK!) With that in mind, I want to share an Obama quote from an address he made to a group of interns. This resonated with me, and I think he sums it up more eloquently and concisely than I can here.

“The caution I have for this cohort, because there’s probably some self-selection going on; if you’re interning here with Obama, then you’re…more likely to have certain political views. So, I just want to caution all of you to make sure that, in wanting to improve race relations, you don’t become so rigid and sensitive in terms of your own views, that instead of opening up dialogue, you sort of harden lines and division.” -- Barack Obama, 2016 (5:34 into this video)

Is Our Country Too Big?

I've noticed divisions and tensions in the USA growing since 9/11 (ironically), perhaps before. None of us will never forget 9/11. Don't you remember how wonderful it was to bond together as Americans around that time? Regardless of who we were, what we looked like, what we believed, we all came together. We hugged, cried, and mourned.

But not shortly after that, I remember there was news about hate crimes. Now, there's clearly a magnificent difference between religious people and extremist religious people. We're not going to plow into the psychology/sociology/politics/history of it right now, but for simplicity's sake, let's just acknowledge that a religious Muslim is as similar to an extremist Muslim as a religious Christian is to an extremist Christian. An innocent is an innocent. A terrorist is a terrorist. Let's keep it simple, right?

Now that that's unpacked, I remember the news stories about hate crimes against Muslims. I remember the hate crimes against Sikhs. As quickly as some communities had come together after 9/11, others had bent to the temptation and anger of fear and misunderstanding.

Misunderstanding. Inability to hear others.

Is the USA too big? I wondered. Are we unable to listen to each other because our distance is too far apart?

Our country is HUGE. Therefore, it should be a large responsibility of our leadership to listen to the people. (That's an ideal of our nation, isn't it? For our leaders to work for us as the people?) But the onus is on us to listen to each other, too. Change begins at our base level.

And don't you want to be listened to? I mean, look at me! Aren't I guilty of that in this post alone? (If you've made it this far, I implore you to please do comment below! I would love to get some dialogue started!)

We all want to be listened to, but many of us don't feel like we are heard.

Many of us are being actively ignored by the top level: from BLM protestors to rural American farmers. We have more in common than we realize.

Division has become so easy when we should be reaching across lines, across distances, and talking to each other.

COVID-19 aside, being an expat aside, I miss community events. Block parties. People coming together. I know it's a stretch to ask for a Seattle protestor to eat donuts off a string alongside an Iowan farmer. (Yes, that was a thing! Does anyone else remember?) That's a hyperbole, of course, but we can start at the ground level: neighbors, family, friends, or even strangers who you may never see again. It's the foundation of coming together at a larger scale.

Living in South Korea, having traveled around Europe quite a bit, I can tell you that American culture is unique. Here in Korea, I don't randomly talk to people in elevators. People don't make eye contact with each other on the street. There's rarely small talk.

In the States, we talk to everyone: our neighbors, fellow elevator passengers, fellow grocery store patrons, pretty much everyone, even if we are tempted to stick our faces in our phones to avoid conversation. But we'll still give a warm smile and ask, "How's it going?"

That's the American culture I know and love. That's what makes me proud to be an American. That's one of the things I really miss. It's so easy to have conversation and make friends. Don't take that for granted. Don't let the cynicism that social media brews get in the way of one of the USA's greatest traditions, one of the cultures that glues our great states together.

The People v. The Internet

I love the internet. Don't you? It does a lot of amazing things for us. The access to information is amazing. It creates so much potential for a wiser and smarter future.

But it has also become a cementer of bad communication habits. Ego tends to take over. Bad communication practices breed echo chambers.

And we egg on bad communication habits, too. "Oooh, savage!" we say when we see a squabble on the internet. "Brutal!"

It can be fun to find drama, to watch the proverbial car wreck of internet arguments. We're all guilty of it; it's a classic human bit. It's nothing new to enjoy the schadenfreude show, but we continue to condone it in toxic ways.

What's new is the way it echoes throughout all our communication platforms: social media, reality TV, YouTube prank videos, and for the past several years, C-SPAN. Is it any surprise that the people of a nation who feed off savagery and also demand more have also put into presidency a man who made a living off of being mean to people on reality TV? Many people like that he's not a politically correct person, that he says things without purposeful indifference. (Maybe you do! And perhaps we'll disagree on whether or not that's OK, but my point is...)

It's become us vs them.

Us = Americans

Them = Americans

See the problem?

Do You Still Hope?

I recently talked with a friend who said that Millennials and younger generations lack optimism and hope, that we act like everything is all over.

To be fair, it often feels like that, even before the plague-like times of 2020.

I told my friend that I see what he's saying. I've felt that way before. I countered that I've heard older generations talk like this, too.

But he got me thinking: Where's the hope?

I have a half-joke theory that Americans can turn any conversation into a political one. Politics is a big box tied with a nice bow, and when you open it, it's full of every problem you can imagine in the country. Democrat or Republican, I'm sure you'll agree with this basis idea: There's a lot to fix in our country.

It feels like such a huge box to unpack. It can feel hopeless. How can we possibly handle all of it?

I argue that we need balance and to work on ourselves. We're Americans, and we're awesome, but we're also way too stressed.

My friend told me that many people seem depressed now and like they're missing something in themselves.

I agreed.

I think we're missing a sense of belonging and perhaps also identity.

We feed so much of our time into our machines. We invest our habits and energies into bad ones.

It's hard to make friends. It's hard to meet people. In a pandemic, it's even harder.

We have to start turning things around for ourselves. We need to treat ourselves better and give ourselves better balance. Start from the inside and work it out.

We've got to improve our communications. We to talk with others. We need to practice active listening skills and kindness. When we put that into practice, we learn from each other. We learn about each other. With learning comes understanding. We shed light on the shadows of fear, misunderstanding, indifference, and prejudice. We learn to let go of the "us vs them" mentality.

Remember being a kid and asking, "Hi. Want to play together?" "Want to be friends?" "Can I sit here?"

We can start with our neighbors, and most importantly, put aside our prejudices. We shouldn't assume that our neighbors are out to get us if they have a different belief. Ask questions. Seek to understand.

Do you know how many minds get changed because someone took the time to listen and understand?

Our nation is largely religious; what about "love thy neighbor"? We need to work together, starting right now. With all of us.

We're all in the same vehicle right now during this election, and it's rolling along the highway with every single one of us inside, whether or not we like the speed or the destination. Regardless of the guy who will be in the White House in January, he'll get blame, and he'll incite emotions in all of us. Social media will become ablaze.

None of us want to accept responsibility for the issues of our nation, but the onus isn't on just our leadership. It isn't on just our companies. In fact, I'd argue that the one who truly carries the onus is me. And you. And every single one of us.

We have to fix our dialogue from the ground up. We can't start over. That would be disrespectful to our history, to the experiences we've gained, to the hurt and anger we've felt. But we have to start forming a bridge with words.

We also have to recognize the rhetoric of anyone who creates inflammatory comments with the intention to do harm, who want too pit us against each other. It could be in the form of racism, sexism, wealth disparity, and any other number of provocative diction.

Are you ready to let your ego go a little bit? We can keep our fighting spirit but channel it toward something constructive and positive. Keep your eyes on the prize. Keep on listening actively. Keep on talking. Put your voice out there, but know when to step back.

Take that anxiety, that flutter in your stomach, that racing heart, those emotions, and channel it toward opening up your mind and heart. Yes, it's cheesy. And it may be Swiss cheese; perhaps there are holes in my argument. If so, please let me know! You don't have to agree with me, or anyone else, for that matter. It's OK to feel angry or hurt or whatever you may feel when talking to someone you don't agree with. But just listen. Ask someone to do the same for you. Let's not be savage to each other, and if someone is, it's best to step away and give them space. We're not aiming for toxicity; we're aiming for true dialogue.

Let's Go!

So, how do we get it into practice? Perhaps you've learned how to debate, which is a great practice of listening and speaking. Perhaps you've heard of Imago Dialogue, which is another wonderful way to refine these skills.

But really, it all comes down to intention and attitude.

Let's begin.